Umm I'm too high to move.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
