the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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