Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
