Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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