So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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