I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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