Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Randomize
