I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
