my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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