I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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