Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
