After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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