I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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