I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He passed out mid-signature
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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