His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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