I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's shark week go big or go home
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
