Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
