My boss' voice literally gives me gas
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
