The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize