I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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