we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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