i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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