when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
