tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
