my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
no you cant smoke seaweed
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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