i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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