I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize