I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
