just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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