but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
