I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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