before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Boobs are out for the taking
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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