turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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