He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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