just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Someone shattered a urinal.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
