you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
