You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
