apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
