Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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