Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
