We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
