I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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