There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize