Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
soo... how was my night?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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