Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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