is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You are a genius and a whore.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
