everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
