Only a mothe r could love this liver
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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