I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
