mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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