I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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