Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
