I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
