i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
