He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
