just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
